Where do I go?

Sleepless nights, cold and shaky hands.
I lay there, I hold my breath. Gather memories and thoughts. They make me sick.
Empty days...Cold and shaky heartbeats.
Pouring rain drowns everything existing around me. I fall underwater, this breath I've been holding for so long starts to leak out of me. My lungs collapse and I sink to the bottom. I'm still here. Sunk to the bottom of this drown dream, breathless and lifeless, I can't fall out of existence. I close my eyes, I can still see. The long nights before are all a blur, I try to remember. I open my eyes, everything starts to fade. I'm flashing through parts of my past that I had forgotten about. I'm feeling ways I have only felt in an innocent state. I try to process and understand how I can feel these things in such a corrupt place. I'm lost in all my confusion. I lay here wasted, my vision is fucked. I flash through past times that are filled with sins, times when I'd give in. Again and again. My strength is gone. I can't move now. I lay here, completely weak, completely gone. My mind, overflowing with memories and thoughts, starts to go black. I only breathe. This is self torture. I don't panic, I don't move. I'm disappearing.