May 25, 2009

This is a different part now.

I was a game that he played for two years, and he beat it.
I wish he would have sooner.
Why did it have to last so long..
Only to make me hate every second with such a stronger passion than before.
Who ever thought it was even possible to hurt so badly.. I sure didn't.

May 22, 2009

I can't let myself.
But I want to.
I can't hold back.


I'm so tired of these swings, flashes.

I have a headache. And it's dark in here.

Self loathing, eating disorders, cigarettes, summertime.

Nobody really cares.
That's why we do it.
We don't really care.

It doesn't matter, nothing at all does.

Don't hold yourself like that, you'll hurt your knees.
12:08 am, on a school night.
Damien Rice.
Going soon.
The computer freezes, not just mine really.

Changes in the weather. Changes in myself.
My thoughts, my feelings, my everything.
What?
There is nothing.

Good night.

Not really.

It's never that way.

May 19th 2009

I want to put all of my thoughts and feelings into a balloon.
And let it float away, somewhere far.



And I'll feel better, much better.

Happy Mothers Day?

No.

I'm so sick, I'm so sick of everything.
I won't try anymore.
I won't care anymore.
I've tried so hard, I've cried so hard.
You don't give a shit about me. You didn't even come after me. You didn't even call me.
You say you miss me, you say you hurt so badly because you failed me, you say you wish it was all better. You don't even try. YOU NEVER tried. You've never tried. and not once have you been here for me.
I didn't blame you for shit.
I wasn't mad at you at all.
I'm trying not to be mad now, but all I ever do is hurt.
All I ever do is hate, everything. And I still won't blame you. But where are you? Where were you?
I forgave you for all of the pain, all of it.
But you keep on going, and I don't even think you realize it.
I wanted to write you something. Or give you something, to show you that you mean the world to me. No matter what. Even if you don't care at all about me.
But my mind is so blank, my body's so weak.
My lungs are collapsing.
My heart is breaking, from the broken pieces to more broken pieces.
And it won't heal, I won't fix. I won't get better, I won't be repaired. It's all too fucked up.
There's one thing that I can promise I won't do like you.
No matter how much I'm like you. Even though I'm a spitting image of you.
I won't ever give up on my daughter.
NO MATTER WHAT. If it's the last thing I ever do, I'll show her that she's everything to me. Because words are worth shit.
You can say all you want, talk all you want.
But at the end of the day you're just like everyone else.
I'm sick of crying till I can't cry anymore.

Glad I spent five minutes in your house today.

I give up on everything, I can't do shit.
I'm not worth the dirt on the ground.
I'm not worth fighting for.


And I'm done.

I want

to go away.
I want to leave, now.
I hate myself.
I know I've said this many times but I've realized I'll always hate myself.
I will never be happy.

I cannot find one thing that makes me happy.
I have nothing, and I am nothing.
I can't write. I can't dance. I can do nothing of any worth.
I am not of any worth.


I want to be alone.
I just want everyone to disappear.
I want to live in a house with my dad.
Where we are best friends. And don't need anything.
I want to smile.
I want to do something.
I want to have something.
I want to not need everything, because I won't have nothing.

But here I am fantasizing again. This world will never be enough.
I will never be enough, for myself, for anyone.
Never good enough.
Everything is so wrong. Everything is so off.
I need to get away, go away.
Please just let me go.