Calm Meditation Radio.

I'm reading. I made my dad a sandwich. Where is he. It's getting cold. The sandwich is. I'm not tired. I'm thirsty, for so much more than water. I'm hungry. But my stomach is full. My heart is hungry, my mind is empty. Oh no it is not. I am overflowing with thoughts. I am getting dizzy. The room is spinning. My heart is beating faster, and faster... and faster... faster.. until I fade away... I want to fade away. I want to disappear.. I want to melt into the earth..

I burnt my tongue, on this stupid crap I was trying to make for my dad. It was gross. So I made a sandwich.

I need a CD. This is making me feel weird.
My house is empty. I like empty. I like quiet. And I am calm. I am almost peaceful. I am almost emptied of all my thoughts, almost freed From all of the weights sitting on my shoulders.. I am so close. But I am not there. Not there yet. So close, but so far away. It is gone for the moment. It will all be back when I wake up.

She.

She's so mad, so hurt. She only repeats the same things to me, over and over again. She feels sorrow, and pain. Pain for not only her but her sister, her brother, her mother. Her beautiful, sorrowful, pain filled mother. She knows she is not the only one in pain. She knows she needs to forgive her, and everyone. It's hard for her, she knows, I know, everyone knows. She isn't hearing what I'm saying. She isn't understanding what I'm trying to tell her. She is pushing my words away. In time, in time she will let go. She will learn to forgive, to trust, and to love. I feel sympathy for her. I want to help her. I can't seem to get through to her. I am ready to be patient. She will take it in, slowly, one bus ride, one day at a time. She has gone through a lot.. being so young. All of them have. Everyone has. Everyone has been hurt. She doesn't understand a lot of things. All she knows is that she is so mad. So hurt that all she wants to be is mad. But she loves her. And she knows that she wasn't trying to hurt anyone.
You can see a deep sadness in her eyes. And hear it in her voice. When she laughs, too. It's there.
She will come back to you, in time she will heal. And in time you will heal.
She knows, but has a heard time knowing, and believing that she is loved. Through all she's been through.. and through all of the pain she is feeling. It's hard to understand why everything that happened had to happen. And it's hard to understand that if you love her, why you let it happen.

I tell her, I keep telling her. So many things, that she can't understand. She won't let anything in. She's too full of anger. Anger and pain. She wants to believe you care. Someone cares. After all of this, it's so hard.. for her. I know you care. I know you love her. Them. She will understand. She loves you.

So filled with agony

My heart screams out in pain. For something, some love to feel. A feeling of belonging. I am forever torn. This pain I feel will never be healed. I am so crushed. I belong nowhere. Nowhere in this world. In no beings' lives. My heart has been stomped on, torn up, ripped apart, crushed, bruised, and broken into millions of pieces. I am however, still breakable. And I am un-fixable. I will no longer cry out, for I am helpless. I know this.

Find Faith

There is no proof of anything.

I cannot believe in anything. To me God is such a strong subject. And all I can say is that I THINK that I don't believe. Everybody knows he's there. No matter how hard it is to believe it. It's God, or some stupid explosion. Take your pick. I would choose God. But I can't believe in something if for the most part, I feel like he isn't real. And I can't fake it. I will not pretend that I believe in something if I don't. Knowing... and believing.. aren't exactly the same thing. Also, it is more like I kind of know/think that he's there. Somewhere. But I think too much. So I can't believe it. I don't know he's there.. but I feel like he isn't really NOT there.

I'm not trying to be all Atheist, Ani-Christ or anything. I really have a really hard time with this.
That doesn't mean I don't want to believe.

I need

I want to forget everything, UGHLKJFHGLKDJG I'M STRUGGLING. I'M GIVING UP. I'M HURTING. I'M SUFFERING. I'M MISERABLE. I don't know what to do. I don't want to do anything. I want to know how if feels to be happy. I want to laugh so hard, and not stop. I want to smile, so big, and not be able to keep a straight face. I want to not be able to cry, no matter how hard I try.

Nothing is real to me. I want to feel important. I want to feel worth something. I want to feel like I matter.

KNOW that this is not a breakdown. this is my every day. this is how I feel. this is normal. for me.

What can I say? I feel. every emotion.
Nothing can help. nothing. I feel like, things won't change.


" I want to laugh so hard, and not stop. I want to smile, so big, and not be able to keep a straight face. I want to not be able to cry, no matter how hard I try."

I felt that way. Somebody made me feel that way. Once.
I want it back, I want it every day. I want it all the time.

And at the same time I want nothing. I hurt so bad I want to not be here anymore.

Bring On the Rain.

It's Fall, now. I love Fall. I'm hungry, but not for food. I'm thirsty, but not for water. I cannot sleep, I cannot eat. I can't breathe. This pain is that of a knife slowly being pushed into your heart. I've felt too much pain, and too much heartbreak for being the age that I am. I've cried too many tears. And have hurt too much for too long. I have hurt myself and have hurt others. But I feel that I've been hurt much more and much worse than any words can describe. Nobody feels the pain that I feel. The angst is building up. I want to run away. To the beach. I want to go by myself. I want to run into the ocean. I want to close my eyes, and disappear. I am afraid. I am afraid of life. Of being hurt, anymore. As much as I think it's not possible I know it is. I can't do anything about it. I want to run forever in the rain. But it's not raining. I can't go to the beach. I can't crash into the waves. I can't disappear. I can't be alone. Nothing will help me. I know this. I sit here, every night. I cry, and I hurt. I'm so tired of being here. So tired of this house, of this world. I am so tired of myself. I need to do something I need to go somewhere I need to leave. "These wounds won't seem to heal, this pain is just too real." I have lost all hope in ever feeling loved, ever feeling worth something. Anything. Or ever feeling smart. I've felt worthless, useless, stupid, ugly. I have felt like giving up on everything. I have felt every emotion that NOBODY EVER wants to feel, for the past two, three years. I can't remember ever feeling important. And to be completely honest, there is no point in me waking up tomorrow.