So

selfish. You're so selfish.

I thought

That I was doing so much better. That everything was clearing up. But I'm not over the pain. I still hurt, I still cry. This feeling of emptiness won't leave. It won't go away. I hate you, I hate you for everything. Your voice makes me sick. I can't look at you. or any picture of you. Without feeling like I'm being stabbed. This song kills me. Every song on the radio is like the soundtrack to my life. This horror movie. I don't know what I need, or what I want.

It's over now.

I can't even write. Nothing. There is nothing. I can't even breathe.

Don't hold yourself like that

I don't miss you. I don't.
I don't know how I feel. I don't know what to say. I have been blank since last night. Since I saw you. Since I talked to you. Your soft words echo in my head. Again and again. Stop it, stop it please. I don't want to hear it. I don't want to remember it any longer. I don't want to be here. I don't want to feel this way. I don't want the memories. I don't want to know who you are.

I walked to the store earlier. Memories of you. Of me. Memories of us flashed through my mind. Back and forth. Every day with you. I almost tripped. It's hard to breathe. It's hard to think. I stay up at night. Almost until morning. I try to turn it off. All of it. I want to start over. I don't want this. I never wanted this. Sometimes I forget.. about you.. for a minute. And then you're back.

Please leave. Please go. Don't come back. Get out of my mind, please get out of my head. I'm not this strong.
I'm not this way.

I'm a lover, not a fighter. I wanted you to love me back. That's all. I wanted you to love me.

Should I?

Should I write?
What should I do?

I feel

so numb and so dumb.
















I have nothing to say i feel.....

You'll think of me.

While I am living a very successful life doing things that I love and feeling good, you will be drinking your selfish, foolish, and childish life away. It's okay.
I am calm, you are not. I am at peace. Though my heart is shattered into a million tiny tiny pieces, and will remain this way until we meet again, I am moving forward. I am making progress.

I always wonder why I'm here. I always think too much. Sometimes I get really scared, and start to think that nothing is real. I'm scared of death. But even more I'm scared of life. It feels fake. Everything feels fake. I don't want to get old. Only with you. Only you..

I will not forget you, I will not. I will love you. And I will miss you. I do miss you. I think about you. But not every second. A lot, still. When I dance, I dance not for you, not for my parents, not for Heather. For me. I give it everything. I think of you. And all of the love I have for you. All of the passion I feel for you. And I throw it into every move I make, every emotion I have...I show it, all. I feel it. I feel all of it. And it hurts, it hurts so bad. But it feels so good. I don't remember the last time I cried myself to sleep. But I hope you do every night. I hope you wish you weren't such a damn fool. I hope you grow up someday. And I hope you hate every second of every day. I hope it hurts like hell. It will soon. It will. I wonder if you hate yourself for making me love myself. I wonder if you hate that the reason I'm so strong is because you hurt me so bad. Maybe you cry in the shower every day, thinking of how good I always was to you. And how you treated me so horribly. Like some stupid little girl. Oh don't get me wrong, I love you, so much. I'm better now. Not all the way. I'm getting there.
I can make you so happy.. just wait. You'll be sorry...


I'm sick. Of course. I'm always sick. But my throat, it hurts. I will go eat some soup.