It's Fall, now. I love Fall. I'm hungry, but not for food. I'm thirsty, but not for water. I cannot sleep, I cannot eat. I can't breathe. This pain is that of a knife slowly being pushed into your heart. I've felt too much pain, and too much heartbreak for being the age that I am. I've cried too many tears. And have hurt too much for too long. I have hurt myself and have hurt others. But I feel that I've been hurt much more and much worse than any words can describe. Nobody feels the pain that I feel. The angst is building up. I want to run away. To the beach. I want to go by myself. I want to run into the ocean. I want to close my eyes, and disappear. I am afraid. I am afraid of life. Of being hurt, anymore. As much as I think it's not possible I know it is. I can't do anything about it. I want to run forever in the rain. But it's not raining. I can't go to the beach. I can't crash into the waves. I can't disappear. I can't be alone. Nothing will help me. I know this. I sit here, every night. I cry, and I hurt. I'm so tired of being here. So tired of this house, of this world. I am so tired of myself. I need to do something I need to go somewhere I need to leave. "These wounds won't seem to heal, this pain is just too real." I have lost all hope in ever feeling loved, ever feeling worth something. Anything. Or ever feeling smart. I've felt worthless, useless, stupid, ugly. I have felt like giving up on everything. I have felt every emotion that NOBODY EVER wants to feel, for the past two, three years. I can't remember ever feeling important. And to be completely honest, there is no point in me waking up tomorrow.
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Bring On the Rain.
It's Fall, now. I love Fall. I'm hungry, but not for food. I'm thirsty, but not for water. I cannot sleep, I cannot eat. I can't breathe. This pain is that of a knife slowly being pushed into your heart. I've felt too much pain, and too much heartbreak for being the age that I am. I've cried too many tears. And have hurt too much for too long. I have hurt myself and have hurt others. But I feel that I've been hurt much more and much worse than any words can describe. Nobody feels the pain that I feel. The angst is building up. I want to run away. To the beach. I want to go by myself. I want to run into the ocean. I want to close my eyes, and disappear. I am afraid. I am afraid of life. Of being hurt, anymore. As much as I think it's not possible I know it is. I can't do anything about it. I want to run forever in the rain. But it's not raining. I can't go to the beach. I can't crash into the waves. I can't disappear. I can't be alone. Nothing will help me. I know this. I sit here, every night. I cry, and I hurt. I'm so tired of being here. So tired of this house, of this world. I am so tired of myself. I need to do something I need to go somewhere I need to leave. "These wounds won't seem to heal, this pain is just too real." I have lost all hope in ever feeling loved, ever feeling worth something. Anything. Or ever feeling smart. I've felt worthless, useless, stupid, ugly. I have felt like giving up on everything. I have felt every emotion that NOBODY EVER wants to feel, for the past two, three years. I can't remember ever feeling important. And to be completely honest, there is no point in me waking up tomorrow.
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3 comments:
I heard this REALLY wise person once say:
We all know how it feels. To hurt for so long, and be so unhappy.. for so long.. that all you know is how to be unhappy. and how to hurt so badly. How to bleed without blood. And cry without tears. You're dead. But not to us. Not to them. You are dead to yourself. You have given up hope. And you have no desire to come back. But it's only because you don't believe. And there is no proof of anything. Because believing is seeing. You won't see until you believe. Believe in something. Anything you want. And when you believe, you will see. That this life is worth living. It's worth the love and laughs. You feel so alone. So find someone. Find faith in someone, or something. If you can't find it in yourself. Find a foundation, a solid ground to stand on. Find something to believe in. Grab it. Hold it tight.
And DON'T LET GO
I have nothing solid to stand on. Nothing to believe in. I have nothing grab onto, therefor nothing to hold tight. So I can't let it go. Because I have nothing TO let go.
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