I don't like titles.

I am not happy.

help me.

But I am not asking you to help me, or anyone else. The only person who can make you happy is yourself. But I am incapable of doing so. Because I suck. It isn't just that I am not happy. I am miserable, sometimes. In my mind, and sometimes not only in my mind, but in general, I am in this terribly depressed state. I cannot get out of it. I don't know how it feels to be happy. But I do. I know how it feels to be happy... it feels... like you could just freeze in that moment of time.. and be there forever.. because you never want anything to change. Like when that one person holds you, you never want to let them go. Or when they kiss you, and you never ever want to leave that state. That state of happiness. Of love. Comfort.


I have so many mixed emotions so often. All the time. Every day. Every second. Every second but those that I am in this intimate state. If that makes sense. It does to me. Feel intimate. That I feel intimate. Every second but those that I feel intimate. I am pretty sure that I confuse everyone that reads these pretty bad. I don't make much sense.
I don't know what to write anymore.

. ! . ! .

You hurt to feel. You hurt yourself.



You do what you do, and you do it so well. You're beautiful. You're beautiful in everything you do. You throw their words back at them. In a harsh unmeaning full matter. And you say you don't care. But you really do care. You care. You say it doesn't hurt. You're so used to the pain. It's all that you know. And you know nothing else. You can't feel. You can't hurt. So you hurt yourself. In a way that no one knows. In a way that no one understands. And you don't understand. They only want to help. We only want to help, we only want to help, we only want to help. But you don't want their help. You don't want our help. You're so used to the only thing you know, and you're scared. You say you aren't but you are. You're so scared. So scared to be happy. To love. To laugh. So scared to live. And you breathe. But not to keep on going. Not to keep on living. You breathe, and it hurts. You force it upon yourself. You make up these ways of making yourself hurt. That no one understands. Nobody but you could hurt with the ways that you do it. And you can't not hurt, when you inhale. And you let it go. But it stays there. And you can't let it go. All you know is what's in you. But you don't know what is in you. You think you love to hurt, to cry. Because that's all you know to do. But to laugh, and to love.. and to live.. Why can't you know.. ? Because, because you're scared. I know how it feels. We all know how it feels.. To hurt for so long, and be so unhappy.. for so long.. that all you know is how to be unhappy. and how to hurt so badly. How to bleed without blood. And cry without tears. You're dead. But not to us. Not to them. You are dead to yourself. You have given up hope. And you have no desire to come back. But it's only because you don't believe. And there is no proof of anything. Because believing is seeing. You won't see until you believe. Believe in something. Anything you want. And when you believe, you will see. That this life is worth living. It's worth the love and laughs. You feel so alone. So find someone. Find faith in someone, or something, if you can't find it in yourself. Find a foundation, a solid ground to stand on. Find something to believe in. Grab it. Hold it tight. And DON'T LET GO.

I

am so sick, of everything.

I wish that nothing had to ever happen ever ever ever.
Nothing in the world.

agh
I don't even want to write I'm in such a depressed state right now.
gakhkdshfalksdf gahh.
I just want to fall asleep forever.
The rest of my life can be a dream.

I

started writing in a journal instead.
We have no internet, maybe tomorrow we will.
My birthday is in 8 days. February 13th.
Valentines day is in 9 days. February 14th.
Father daughter dance? Friday. 3 days. I have to go. ahaha
I go to Phoenix.
I pierced my lip again.
I haven't written in my journal in over two weeks.
I went to yoga today.
I'm starting ballet again soon.
I have to go to the weight room orientation thing tomorrow.
Pretty soon I'll have school, ballet, yoga, working out, Josh, eating, sleeping, writing, and breathing that I have to worry about.
I love writing. I'm excited for ballet and yoga, and exercising. I have the most fantastic boyfriend. I have a feeling I won't get enough sleep. So I'll sleep any chance I have. I'm going to be busy.
I also want to start playing guitar again soon.
I picked up my dads acoustic guitar. I had forgotten the feeling(s) you get, feel, when you play. I. You forget about everything. You feel, beauty, wonder, life, love. You hear beauty, and wonder, and love. You hear life. You feel the music.
it's hard to explain.
But I hope that gets you understanding, and wanting. Wanting to feel and hear all of those things. Wanting to forget about your day, all of your thoughts, your past. You want it. And I want it. I cannot relax. It's too hard. Doing something like playing guitar, is better then trying to relax.

My mom moved back in.
I don't know what to say really.
I need a haircut though. My hair is too long, for my liking. lol.
I think my dad is really cool.
I like him a lot.
he's probably my favorite person, most of the time.
But like everyone else, he annoys and pisses me off easily.
hahahahahahahahahaha..
I miss Alex Felt, a lot a lot a lot.
I miss Shaylee Anne Marie Sibley, lots.
i miss my old friends.
my friends.
I've been sort of distancing myself from pretty much everyone.
I'm sorry.
& I miss Pammyyyyy soo much.
She's moving. I'll die without her :(((
And I miss my brother.

Josh makes me feel happy

Goodnight

Two blogs in one day

Well, I'm going to bed.

I can't be awake any longer
dslf;jadslkfa;ldska;ldsf
bye.

dfadf
:(:(:(:(:(

I want


so many things I can't have.


happiness.
I don't know what it feels like to be happy


I'm sick of cryingggggg, and hurtingggg, and dyinggggg.

Yeah

I just want to say that I feel like erasing everything

You know, I got a fortune cookie, and the paper said "After the rain comes the sun"
I think that means something.
But I don't feel like it means something.

I make sense to myself.
I hope others understand.
But I feel like nobody understands me.

Yanno, I got another. And it said. "Nothing is impossible."

Haha at that, because everything is impossible.

I sound like a retard. It's okay, I feel like one too.
I like to sleep, really. Like, a lot. Because when I sleep, I don't think. So I have no problems. So I try to sleep all day.
I want to erase all of my blogs.
I feel like everything has just exploded right in my face.

All hope is lost.
I cannot start a new, does that make sense?
It does to me.
I have those strong moments, where I feel confident.
I feel like going on, I feel like holding on. I feel like I have someone. Or like I don't need someone. Or anyone.
But those are just moments. they mean nothing.

I don't know what happiness feels like anymore. I really don't know what it feels like to be happy.
I don't know who I am, I don't think. But really, what does it feel like when you do know who you are? How does it feel to be confident?
And strong?

I'm not. I thought I was. I was wrong.

You know what? I love my dad. Really, he makes me laugh. If I have a hero, it's him. It is him. He is. My hero.

I want to forget everything, UGHLKJFHGLKDJG I'M STRUGGLING. I'M GIVING UP. I'M HURTING. I'M SUFFERING. I'M MISERABLE. I don't know what to do. I don't want to do anything. I want to know how if feels to be happy. I want to laugh so hard, and not stop. I want to smile, so big, and not be able to keep a straight face. I want to not be able to cry, no matter how hard I try.

Nothing is real to me. I want to feel important. I want to feel worth something. I want to feel like I matter.

KNOW that this is not a breakdown. this is my every day. this is how I feel. this is normal. for me.

What can I say? I feel. every emotion.
Nothing can help. nothing. I feel like, things won't change.

I'm not giving up, I HAVE given up.

I don't care anymore.
I'm too used to this feeling. all of these feelings. it's 2 in the morning. bye.

yeah

I don't care anymore
I don't care about not caring anymore