nothing at all

Desolate... Solitary..
Depraved.
Leave.
Choking out the words.
Masochism.
The view from my head, my warped outlook, something far past pessimistic.
Sometimes irate.
Complete despair.
Tainted thoughts.
A thirst, for dullness.
Disgust with everyone and everything.
Get away from me.
Don't touch me.
Don't talk to me.
Don't fucking look at me.
No tolerance.
Wasted, as well as wasteful.
No words, no memory, no care.
Vague thoughts.
Wants? Wants.
many many wishes.
Irrational?
Most likely.
Shame.
Annoyance.
I am so annoyed.
Runaway, just in my head.
I don't want your help.
Just leave me alone.
Nothing makes sense.
Longing..
For love..
as always..
never goes.
never comes.

Hollow

I need some inspiration..
If I had anything going on.
I hide in the shower as often as I can..
But I can't always be there..
There's nowhere else to go..
and I still can't think..
my head is foggy, my mind is clouded.
every part of me..falling..if not already..apart.
stomach..weak...legs..tired..arms..dead..
my lungs will collapse as soon as I let them..
eyes are heavy.. my head is a dead weight.
as soon as I can let go..
But I can't stop feeling.
I'm almost gone, but always breathing.
Somehow..
falling out, but always here.
my words are vague, but i'm just too sick.
just too cold.

This.

I try my best to concentrate on the sound of the water running as I lay there underneath. The sound of the water hitting more water, skin, the shampoo bottle. I think about nothing but the sounds. Different patterns, different tones. Different sounds. Skin feels tight, stomach feels weak. I try to lay there forever. Always do. Only place I am completely alone. As soon as I leave, I want to go back. Drown myself with the overwhelming feeling of peace I only get in this place. I lay still. Silent. Fan. Water. Heartbeat. Fade out. Now I'm in my head. My mind. Memories, feelings, thoughts. I'm thinking things. Could happen. Did happen. Might happen. Will happen. Won't happen. Don't happen. People, places, objects. Feelings, sounds, pictures. Skin turns wrinkly, it's been two hours. Constantly waiting, but not here. Never here. Nothing bad about this time. Everything good, only now. All emotions, together. Apart. Everywhere. Calm, comfort, trust, because I know you'll always be there. Just an object.

Inferior

There's a quiet awkwardness wherever I go.
It is mine, I know that much.
It is contagious, I also know this.
It comes along with my self loathing, another thing I am aware of.
This night is empty and ill.
My mind is blank, and my stomach is turning.
I rest my lifeless, tired fingers on the keyboard, searching the room for something to trigger a topic.
I have nothing to write.

Again yeah?

"I wish I could write like that..."
Her voice fades as she walks down the hall..

I wonder if she realizes what comes with the being able to write like "that..".
I wonder if she knows the pain that makes me able to write that way, or this way.
If it's worth the self loathing to her. I hope it isn't.
But I know she wonders.. and I know she imagines.. I know she wants to know what it feels like to hurt so badly and be so... bad.
She even says she does, to convince herself it's true.
Everyone has that part of them that wants to rebel, and wants to know what it's like to be different from everybody and wants to know how it feels to fail. How it is to prey on your pain.
Blissful Stillness, is the name of the song.

She is innocent.

Against her will..

Where do I go?

Sleepless nights, cold and shaky hands.
I lay there, I hold my breath. Gather memories and thoughts. They make me sick.
Empty days...Cold and shaky heartbeats.
Pouring rain drowns everything existing around me. I fall underwater, this breath I've been holding for so long starts to leak out of me. My lungs collapse and I sink to the bottom. I'm still here. Sunk to the bottom of this drown dream, breathless and lifeless, I can't fall out of existence. I close my eyes, I can still see. The long nights before are all a blur, I try to remember. I open my eyes, everything starts to fade. I'm flashing through parts of my past that I had forgotten about. I'm feeling ways I have only felt in an innocent state. I try to process and understand how I can feel these things in such a corrupt place. I'm lost in all my confusion. I lay here wasted, my vision is fucked. I flash through past times that are filled with sins, times when I'd give in. Again and again. My strength is gone. I can't move now. I lay here, completely weak, completely gone. My mind, overflowing with memories and thoughts, starts to go black. I only breathe. This is self torture. I don't panic, I don't move. I'm disappearing.

May 25, 2009

This is a different part now.

I was a game that he played for two years, and he beat it.
I wish he would have sooner.
Why did it have to last so long..
Only to make me hate every second with such a stronger passion than before.
Who ever thought it was even possible to hurt so badly.. I sure didn't.