Should I?

Should I write?
What should I do?

I feel

so numb and so dumb.
















I have nothing to say i feel.....

You'll think of me.

While I am living a very successful life doing things that I love and feeling good, you will be drinking your selfish, foolish, and childish life away. It's okay.
I am calm, you are not. I am at peace. Though my heart is shattered into a million tiny tiny pieces, and will remain this way until we meet again, I am moving forward. I am making progress.

I always wonder why I'm here. I always think too much. Sometimes I get really scared, and start to think that nothing is real. I'm scared of death. But even more I'm scared of life. It feels fake. Everything feels fake. I don't want to get old. Only with you. Only you..

I will not forget you, I will not. I will love you. And I will miss you. I do miss you. I think about you. But not every second. A lot, still. When I dance, I dance not for you, not for my parents, not for Heather. For me. I give it everything. I think of you. And all of the love I have for you. All of the passion I feel for you. And I throw it into every move I make, every emotion I have...I show it, all. I feel it. I feel all of it. And it hurts, it hurts so bad. But it feels so good. I don't remember the last time I cried myself to sleep. But I hope you do every night. I hope you wish you weren't such a damn fool. I hope you grow up someday. And I hope you hate every second of every day. I hope it hurts like hell. It will soon. It will. I wonder if you hate yourself for making me love myself. I wonder if you hate that the reason I'm so strong is because you hurt me so bad. Maybe you cry in the shower every day, thinking of how good I always was to you. And how you treated me so horribly. Like some stupid little girl. Oh don't get me wrong, I love you, so much. I'm better now. Not all the way. I'm getting there.
I can make you so happy.. just wait. You'll be sorry...


I'm sick. Of course. I'm always sick. But my throat, it hurts. I will go eat some soup.

I

hate you

ALL of you.

Stupid boy...

Well, she was precious like a flower
She grew wild, wild but innocent
A perfect prayer in a desperate hour
She was everything beautiful and different...


I laid my heart and soul right in your hands
And you stole my every dream and you crushed my plans...

Stupid boy.

You always had to be right but now you've lost the only thing that ever made you feel alive.


I hate you, I love you. I'm sorry. I hope you're sorry, I wish you were sorry. But I know you're not.

It's

this town. It makes people sick. It makes me sick. I want to leave. I want to be somewhere else. I want to be with you. I want you to hold me. I want you to tell me it's going to be okay. Make one promise to me that you can keep. One promise that means something to both of us. Please?

Something Beautiful?

She brought this upon herself. As She always seems to do. This wave of pain that has been drowning her. She just loves it. She begs for more.

She wants to be this amazing and beautiful person, that she just wasn't made to be. Her dreams are too big. She hope for peace, and love. She'll never have it. It will never come. She's been torn from her everything. All her hope is drown, lost, dead at the bottom of this ocean of sorrow. This ocean of iniquity that She has created.

She searches and searches. She searches everywhere for something to ease her pain with. Cut her open, search for something of worth. One part of her maybe? Something inside of her, by cause of nothing being on the outside. Something inside may be beautiful? Just look. Rip her open, search deep.

She is starving. Starving for attention. Starving to feel something. Nothing is good enough for her, being so vile.

She is bleeding, She is dying. Don't save her. Please don't save her. She's thirsty for more of this pain. She's so sick, She's so poor. Give her something.

So bloodthirsty she lay there, screaming out to anyone who will listen. Anyone who will care. The pain in her voice so agonizing. Somebody love me, she cries.

I have nothing, she says. She cries. Everything has been taken from me. Everything has left me. I am so depraved. Hurt me, I'll hurt myself. Leave me alone.

She wants to be alone. She wants to hurt. She likes to hurt. Nobody understands.

Write.

What to write. I don't know what to write..
I want to write. I need to write. I feel really sick, I feel really hurt. I feel so numb. I feel very cold. And for the first time in a long time, I feel really alone. I feel useless and worthless and wasteful and stupid. I feel ugly, I feel mean. I am tired; I am tired of feeling sick. I am tired of feeling ugly. I'm tired of not being able to breathe. My chest is tight, my lungs are weak. My stomach is empty, and sore. My heart is tired, and broken. I am worn out. My body is weak. I feel unwanted. I am tired of feeling unwanted. I am used to feeling unwanted. I thought I could not feel any more hurt than I feel every day. And every night. I was wrong. I am always wrong. I am so hurt. I am so thirsty. Thirsty for love, for comfort. For something. I am starving to feel important to somebody. I am starving myself every day. My mind, and my heart is bulimic. I take so much in at a time, and force myself to throw it away, to throw it all out at the end of the day. I am full of resent. I am full of pain. I feel so many things.. So many things that nobody should have to feel. But I feel them every day. I feel them every night. My heart physically aches. I long for a feeling of belonging. My heart, my mind, and my body long for a feeling of want, comfort, love, and importance. I long, I so do long to feel beautiful. To be beautiful. To someone, to everyone. More so to myself. I long to love me. To love myself. I prey on my own thoughts, when I think for one second that I look pretty. That I am smart. That I am funny. Or nice. I chew up the words, and the thoughts as soon as they encounter my mind. Thoughts of my ugly, annoying self fill up my mind, and brutally beat any good feelings toward myself I may have for even a split second. I cannot feel any worth. I become addicted to anything and anyone that gives me a feeling of comfort or warmth. That makes me forget about my hate for my ailing self. I no longer seek help for I am becoming addicted to my own pain and complications.

Calm Meditation Radio.

I'm reading. I made my dad a sandwich. Where is he. It's getting cold. The sandwich is. I'm not tired. I'm thirsty, for so much more than water. I'm hungry. But my stomach is full. My heart is hungry, my mind is empty. Oh no it is not. I am overflowing with thoughts. I am getting dizzy. The room is spinning. My heart is beating faster, and faster... and faster... faster.. until I fade away... I want to fade away. I want to disappear.. I want to melt into the earth..

I burnt my tongue, on this stupid crap I was trying to make for my dad. It was gross. So I made a sandwich.

I need a CD. This is making me feel weird.
My house is empty. I like empty. I like quiet. And I am calm. I am almost peaceful. I am almost emptied of all my thoughts, almost freed From all of the weights sitting on my shoulders.. I am so close. But I am not there. Not there yet. So close, but so far away. It is gone for the moment. It will all be back when I wake up.

She.

She's so mad, so hurt. She only repeats the same things to me, over and over again. She feels sorrow, and pain. Pain for not only her but her sister, her brother, her mother. Her beautiful, sorrowful, pain filled mother. She knows she is not the only one in pain. She knows she needs to forgive her, and everyone. It's hard for her, she knows, I know, everyone knows. She isn't hearing what I'm saying. She isn't understanding what I'm trying to tell her. She is pushing my words away. In time, in time she will let go. She will learn to forgive, to trust, and to love. I feel sympathy for her. I want to help her. I can't seem to get through to her. I am ready to be patient. She will take it in, slowly, one bus ride, one day at a time. She has gone through a lot.. being so young. All of them have. Everyone has. Everyone has been hurt. She doesn't understand a lot of things. All she knows is that she is so mad. So hurt that all she wants to be is mad. But she loves her. And she knows that she wasn't trying to hurt anyone.
You can see a deep sadness in her eyes. And hear it in her voice. When she laughs, too. It's there.
She will come back to you, in time she will heal. And in time you will heal.
She knows, but has a heard time knowing, and believing that she is loved. Through all she's been through.. and through all of the pain she is feeling. It's hard to understand why everything that happened had to happen. And it's hard to understand that if you love her, why you let it happen.

I tell her, I keep telling her. So many things, that she can't understand. She won't let anything in. She's too full of anger. Anger and pain. She wants to believe you care. Someone cares. After all of this, it's so hard.. for her. I know you care. I know you love her. Them. She will understand. She loves you.

So filled with agony

My heart screams out in pain. For something, some love to feel. A feeling of belonging. I am forever torn. This pain I feel will never be healed. I am so crushed. I belong nowhere. Nowhere in this world. In no beings' lives. My heart has been stomped on, torn up, ripped apart, crushed, bruised, and broken into millions of pieces. I am however, still breakable. And I am un-fixable. I will no longer cry out, for I am helpless. I know this.

Find Faith

There is no proof of anything.

I cannot believe in anything. To me God is such a strong subject. And all I can say is that I THINK that I don't believe. Everybody knows he's there. No matter how hard it is to believe it. It's God, or some stupid explosion. Take your pick. I would choose God. But I can't believe in something if for the most part, I feel like he isn't real. And I can't fake it. I will not pretend that I believe in something if I don't. Knowing... and believing.. aren't exactly the same thing. Also, it is more like I kind of know/think that he's there. Somewhere. But I think too much. So I can't believe it. I don't know he's there.. but I feel like he isn't really NOT there.

I'm not trying to be all Atheist, Ani-Christ or anything. I really have a really hard time with this.
That doesn't mean I don't want to believe.

I need

I want to forget everything, UGHLKJFHGLKDJG I'M STRUGGLING. I'M GIVING UP. I'M HURTING. I'M SUFFERING. I'M MISERABLE. I don't know what to do. I don't want to do anything. I want to know how if feels to be happy. I want to laugh so hard, and not stop. I want to smile, so big, and not be able to keep a straight face. I want to not be able to cry, no matter how hard I try.

Nothing is real to me. I want to feel important. I want to feel worth something. I want to feel like I matter.

KNOW that this is not a breakdown. this is my every day. this is how I feel. this is normal. for me.

What can I say? I feel. every emotion.
Nothing can help. nothing. I feel like, things won't change.


" I want to laugh so hard, and not stop. I want to smile, so big, and not be able to keep a straight face. I want to not be able to cry, no matter how hard I try."

I felt that way. Somebody made me feel that way. Once.
I want it back, I want it every day. I want it all the time.

And at the same time I want nothing. I hurt so bad I want to not be here anymore.

Bring On the Rain.

It's Fall, now. I love Fall. I'm hungry, but not for food. I'm thirsty, but not for water. I cannot sleep, I cannot eat. I can't breathe. This pain is that of a knife slowly being pushed into your heart. I've felt too much pain, and too much heartbreak for being the age that I am. I've cried too many tears. And have hurt too much for too long. I have hurt myself and have hurt others. But I feel that I've been hurt much more and much worse than any words can describe. Nobody feels the pain that I feel. The angst is building up. I want to run away. To the beach. I want to go by myself. I want to run into the ocean. I want to close my eyes, and disappear. I am afraid. I am afraid of life. Of being hurt, anymore. As much as I think it's not possible I know it is. I can't do anything about it. I want to run forever in the rain. But it's not raining. I can't go to the beach. I can't crash into the waves. I can't disappear. I can't be alone. Nothing will help me. I know this. I sit here, every night. I cry, and I hurt. I'm so tired of being here. So tired of this house, of this world. I am so tired of myself. I need to do something I need to go somewhere I need to leave. "These wounds won't seem to heal, this pain is just too real." I have lost all hope in ever feeling loved, ever feeling worth something. Anything. Or ever feeling smart. I've felt worthless, useless, stupid, ugly. I have felt like giving up on everything. I have felt every emotion that NOBODY EVER wants to feel, for the past two, three years. I can't remember ever feeling important. And to be completely honest, there is no point in me waking up tomorrow.

I don't like titles.

I am not happy.

help me.

But I am not asking you to help me, or anyone else. The only person who can make you happy is yourself. But I am incapable of doing so. Because I suck. It isn't just that I am not happy. I am miserable, sometimes. In my mind, and sometimes not only in my mind, but in general, I am in this terribly depressed state. I cannot get out of it. I don't know how it feels to be happy. But I do. I know how it feels to be happy... it feels... like you could just freeze in that moment of time.. and be there forever.. because you never want anything to change. Like when that one person holds you, you never want to let them go. Or when they kiss you, and you never ever want to leave that state. That state of happiness. Of love. Comfort.


I have so many mixed emotions so often. All the time. Every day. Every second. Every second but those that I am in this intimate state. If that makes sense. It does to me. Feel intimate. That I feel intimate. Every second but those that I feel intimate. I am pretty sure that I confuse everyone that reads these pretty bad. I don't make much sense.
I don't know what to write anymore.

. ! . ! .

You hurt to feel. You hurt yourself.



You do what you do, and you do it so well. You're beautiful. You're beautiful in everything you do. You throw their words back at them. In a harsh unmeaning full matter. And you say you don't care. But you really do care. You care. You say it doesn't hurt. You're so used to the pain. It's all that you know. And you know nothing else. You can't feel. You can't hurt. So you hurt yourself. In a way that no one knows. In a way that no one understands. And you don't understand. They only want to help. We only want to help, we only want to help, we only want to help. But you don't want their help. You don't want our help. You're so used to the only thing you know, and you're scared. You say you aren't but you are. You're so scared. So scared to be happy. To love. To laugh. So scared to live. And you breathe. But not to keep on going. Not to keep on living. You breathe, and it hurts. You force it upon yourself. You make up these ways of making yourself hurt. That no one understands. Nobody but you could hurt with the ways that you do it. And you can't not hurt, when you inhale. And you let it go. But it stays there. And you can't let it go. All you know is what's in you. But you don't know what is in you. You think you love to hurt, to cry. Because that's all you know to do. But to laugh, and to love.. and to live.. Why can't you know.. ? Because, because you're scared. I know how it feels. We all know how it feels.. To hurt for so long, and be so unhappy.. for so long.. that all you know is how to be unhappy. and how to hurt so badly. How to bleed without blood. And cry without tears. You're dead. But not to us. Not to them. You are dead to yourself. You have given up hope. And you have no desire to come back. But it's only because you don't believe. And there is no proof of anything. Because believing is seeing. You won't see until you believe. Believe in something. Anything you want. And when you believe, you will see. That this life is worth living. It's worth the love and laughs. You feel so alone. So find someone. Find faith in someone, or something, if you can't find it in yourself. Find a foundation, a solid ground to stand on. Find something to believe in. Grab it. Hold it tight. And DON'T LET GO.

I

am so sick, of everything.

I wish that nothing had to ever happen ever ever ever.
Nothing in the world.

agh
I don't even want to write I'm in such a depressed state right now.
gakhkdshfalksdf gahh.
I just want to fall asleep forever.
The rest of my life can be a dream.

I

started writing in a journal instead.
We have no internet, maybe tomorrow we will.
My birthday is in 8 days. February 13th.
Valentines day is in 9 days. February 14th.
Father daughter dance? Friday. 3 days. I have to go. ahaha
I go to Phoenix.
I pierced my lip again.
I haven't written in my journal in over two weeks.
I went to yoga today.
I'm starting ballet again soon.
I have to go to the weight room orientation thing tomorrow.
Pretty soon I'll have school, ballet, yoga, working out, Josh, eating, sleeping, writing, and breathing that I have to worry about.
I love writing. I'm excited for ballet and yoga, and exercising. I have the most fantastic boyfriend. I have a feeling I won't get enough sleep. So I'll sleep any chance I have. I'm going to be busy.
I also want to start playing guitar again soon.
I picked up my dads acoustic guitar. I had forgotten the feeling(s) you get, feel, when you play. I. You forget about everything. You feel, beauty, wonder, life, love. You hear beauty, and wonder, and love. You hear life. You feel the music.
it's hard to explain.
But I hope that gets you understanding, and wanting. Wanting to feel and hear all of those things. Wanting to forget about your day, all of your thoughts, your past. You want it. And I want it. I cannot relax. It's too hard. Doing something like playing guitar, is better then trying to relax.

My mom moved back in.
I don't know what to say really.
I need a haircut though. My hair is too long, for my liking. lol.
I think my dad is really cool.
I like him a lot.
he's probably my favorite person, most of the time.
But like everyone else, he annoys and pisses me off easily.
hahahahahahahahahaha..
I miss Alex Felt, a lot a lot a lot.
I miss Shaylee Anne Marie Sibley, lots.
i miss my old friends.
my friends.
I've been sort of distancing myself from pretty much everyone.
I'm sorry.
& I miss Pammyyyyy soo much.
She's moving. I'll die without her :(((
And I miss my brother.

Josh makes me feel happy

Goodnight

Two blogs in one day

Well, I'm going to bed.

I can't be awake any longer
dslf;jadslkfa;ldska;ldsf
bye.

dfadf
:(:(:(:(:(

I want


so many things I can't have.


happiness.
I don't know what it feels like to be happy


I'm sick of cryingggggg, and hurtingggg, and dyinggggg.

Yeah

I just want to say that I feel like erasing everything

You know, I got a fortune cookie, and the paper said "After the rain comes the sun"
I think that means something.
But I don't feel like it means something.

I make sense to myself.
I hope others understand.
But I feel like nobody understands me.

Yanno, I got another. And it said. "Nothing is impossible."

Haha at that, because everything is impossible.

I sound like a retard. It's okay, I feel like one too.
I like to sleep, really. Like, a lot. Because when I sleep, I don't think. So I have no problems. So I try to sleep all day.
I want to erase all of my blogs.
I feel like everything has just exploded right in my face.

All hope is lost.
I cannot start a new, does that make sense?
It does to me.
I have those strong moments, where I feel confident.
I feel like going on, I feel like holding on. I feel like I have someone. Or like I don't need someone. Or anyone.
But those are just moments. they mean nothing.

I don't know what happiness feels like anymore. I really don't know what it feels like to be happy.
I don't know who I am, I don't think. But really, what does it feel like when you do know who you are? How does it feel to be confident?
And strong?

I'm not. I thought I was. I was wrong.

You know what? I love my dad. Really, he makes me laugh. If I have a hero, it's him. It is him. He is. My hero.

I want to forget everything, UGHLKJFHGLKDJG I'M STRUGGLING. I'M GIVING UP. I'M HURTING. I'M SUFFERING. I'M MISERABLE. I don't know what to do. I don't want to do anything. I want to know how if feels to be happy. I want to laugh so hard, and not stop. I want to smile, so big, and not be able to keep a straight face. I want to not be able to cry, no matter how hard I try.

Nothing is real to me. I want to feel important. I want to feel worth something. I want to feel like I matter.

KNOW that this is not a breakdown. this is my every day. this is how I feel. this is normal. for me.

What can I say? I feel. every emotion.
Nothing can help. nothing. I feel like, things won't change.

I'm not giving up, I HAVE given up.

I don't care anymore.
I'm too used to this feeling. all of these feelings. it's 2 in the morning. bye.