This.

I try my best to concentrate on the sound of the water running as I lay there underneath. The sound of the water hitting more water, skin, the shampoo bottle. I think about nothing but the sounds. Different patterns, different tones. Different sounds. Skin feels tight, stomach feels weak. I try to lay there forever. Always do. Only place I am completely alone. As soon as I leave, I want to go back. Drown myself with the overwhelming feeling of peace I only get in this place. I lay still. Silent. Fan. Water. Heartbeat. Fade out. Now I'm in my head. My mind. Memories, feelings, thoughts. I'm thinking things. Could happen. Did happen. Might happen. Will happen. Won't happen. Don't happen. People, places, objects. Feelings, sounds, pictures. Skin turns wrinkly, it's been two hours. Constantly waiting, but not here. Never here. Nothing bad about this time. Everything good, only now. All emotions, together. Apart. Everywhere. Calm, comfort, trust, because I know you'll always be there. Just an object.

Inferior

There's a quiet awkwardness wherever I go.
It is mine, I know that much.
It is contagious, I also know this.
It comes along with my self loathing, another thing I am aware of.
This night is empty and ill.
My mind is blank, and my stomach is turning.
I rest my lifeless, tired fingers on the keyboard, searching the room for something to trigger a topic.
I have nothing to write.

Again yeah?

"I wish I could write like that..."
Her voice fades as she walks down the hall..

I wonder if she realizes what comes with the being able to write like "that..".
I wonder if she knows the pain that makes me able to write that way, or this way.
If it's worth the self loathing to her. I hope it isn't.
But I know she wonders.. and I know she imagines.. I know she wants to know what it feels like to hurt so badly and be so... bad.
She even says she does, to convince herself it's true.
Everyone has that part of them that wants to rebel, and wants to know what it's like to be different from everybody and wants to know how it feels to fail. How it is to prey on your pain.
Blissful Stillness, is the name of the song.

She is innocent.

Against her will..

Where do I go?

Sleepless nights, cold and shaky hands.
I lay there, I hold my breath. Gather memories and thoughts. They make me sick.
Empty days...Cold and shaky heartbeats.
Pouring rain drowns everything existing around me. I fall underwater, this breath I've been holding for so long starts to leak out of me. My lungs collapse and I sink to the bottom. I'm still here. Sunk to the bottom of this drown dream, breathless and lifeless, I can't fall out of existence. I close my eyes, I can still see. The long nights before are all a blur, I try to remember. I open my eyes, everything starts to fade. I'm flashing through parts of my past that I had forgotten about. I'm feeling ways I have only felt in an innocent state. I try to process and understand how I can feel these things in such a corrupt place. I'm lost in all my confusion. I lay here wasted, my vision is fucked. I flash through past times that are filled with sins, times when I'd give in. Again and again. My strength is gone. I can't move now. I lay here, completely weak, completely gone. My mind, overflowing with memories and thoughts, starts to go black. I only breathe. This is self torture. I don't panic, I don't move. I'm disappearing.

May 25, 2009

This is a different part now.

I was a game that he played for two years, and he beat it.
I wish he would have sooner.
Why did it have to last so long..
Only to make me hate every second with such a stronger passion than before.
Who ever thought it was even possible to hurt so badly.. I sure didn't.

May 22, 2009

I can't let myself.
But I want to.
I can't hold back.


I'm so tired of these swings, flashes.

I have a headache. And it's dark in here.

Self loathing, eating disorders, cigarettes, summertime.

Nobody really cares.
That's why we do it.
We don't really care.

It doesn't matter, nothing at all does.

Don't hold yourself like that, you'll hurt your knees.
12:08 am, on a school night.
Damien Rice.
Going soon.
The computer freezes, not just mine really.

Changes in the weather. Changes in myself.
My thoughts, my feelings, my everything.
What?
There is nothing.

Good night.

Not really.

It's never that way.

May 19th 2009

I want to put all of my thoughts and feelings into a balloon.
And let it float away, somewhere far.



And I'll feel better, much better.

Happy Mothers Day?

No.

I'm so sick, I'm so sick of everything.
I won't try anymore.
I won't care anymore.
I've tried so hard, I've cried so hard.
You don't give a shit about me. You didn't even come after me. You didn't even call me.
You say you miss me, you say you hurt so badly because you failed me, you say you wish it was all better. You don't even try. YOU NEVER tried. You've never tried. and not once have you been here for me.
I didn't blame you for shit.
I wasn't mad at you at all.
I'm trying not to be mad now, but all I ever do is hurt.
All I ever do is hate, everything. And I still won't blame you. But where are you? Where were you?
I forgave you for all of the pain, all of it.
But you keep on going, and I don't even think you realize it.
I wanted to write you something. Or give you something, to show you that you mean the world to me. No matter what. Even if you don't care at all about me.
But my mind is so blank, my body's so weak.
My lungs are collapsing.
My heart is breaking, from the broken pieces to more broken pieces.
And it won't heal, I won't fix. I won't get better, I won't be repaired. It's all too fucked up.
There's one thing that I can promise I won't do like you.
No matter how much I'm like you. Even though I'm a spitting image of you.
I won't ever give up on my daughter.
NO MATTER WHAT. If it's the last thing I ever do, I'll show her that she's everything to me. Because words are worth shit.
You can say all you want, talk all you want.
But at the end of the day you're just like everyone else.
I'm sick of crying till I can't cry anymore.

Glad I spent five minutes in your house today.

I give up on everything, I can't do shit.
I'm not worth the dirt on the ground.
I'm not worth fighting for.


And I'm done.

I want

to go away.
I want to leave, now.
I hate myself.
I know I've said this many times but I've realized I'll always hate myself.
I will never be happy.

I cannot find one thing that makes me happy.
I have nothing, and I am nothing.
I can't write. I can't dance. I can do nothing of any worth.
I am not of any worth.


I want to be alone.
I just want everyone to disappear.
I want to live in a house with my dad.
Where we are best friends. And don't need anything.
I want to smile.
I want to do something.
I want to have something.
I want to not need everything, because I won't have nothing.

But here I am fantasizing again. This world will never be enough.
I will never be enough, for myself, for anyone.
Never good enough.
Everything is so wrong. Everything is so off.
I need to get away, go away.
Please just let me go.

Come away with me, in the night,.

I want to dance.


I feel so empty. And so cold.
I want a purpose. I need a purpose.

I hate Saturdays.

Oh I know that I left you, in places of despair.

God, this is all so stupid.
I can't do this anymore.
I can't flip out anymore.
I need something. I need so many things.

I want you.
you...

I feel sick.
I ate too much candy.

I need someone who doesn't smoke weed. Or do any drugs.
I need truth, now. I need honesty.

I'll never find this. I'll never get this.
I'm sick of myself.

I might go for a walk.
it's dark and cold.
And I need my best friend...

She doesn't want to be here for me..

Kings and Queens know not about love...

I used to want to fast forward my life up to four years from now.. because I thought at that time in my life I'd be happy. Now I don't want to be here. or there. or anywhere.


I... feel so...
There's no way to describe it. Where is my mama?
I want her. right now.
I want to shave my hair off, my eyebrows, and my face.
I'm so sick of everything.
My face changes in the summer.. it looks even more disgusting.
Along with my body.
I am nothing.

I want a mask.

I want my life to be a movie.
I want to have long hair.
I want to.... not be this any longer.

Sing me Spanish lullaby's...

I don't want to dance now.

April snow, brings.... ?

I don't want to post another 'sad' 'dark' poem thing about how much pain I'm in...
But I'm finding things to be more and more unfair every day.
I'm hurting more than I ever have.
And I'm running out of reasons to wake up each morning.
I'm running out of excuses for breathing.
What can I tell myself now? He's gone. What do I say?
He's not coming back...

There's a picture of her..
Her hair is blond of course.
And she's got big teeth.... of course..

I know how he likes them. I know better than anyone ever will. I tried so hard..
He never wanted me. He never will.

Each day I changed myself to try to be what he wanted.
Never good enough.
No where near there..

I'm nothing now, I'll be nothing forever. I'm completely wasted, as is my life. My future is also wasted. My time. All of it. And this pain is consuming every inch of me.
I want to fuck up. It's all destroyed anyway. It's all over now, so what's the point? I want to bleed. I want to weigh 70 lbs. I want to sleep around and get AIDS and die.
I want to die.

I DON'T WANT TO DO THIS ANYMORE.
I DON'T WANT TO BE THIS PERSON ANYMORE.
Why can't I be someone else? Why?
I lost the only thing that ever made me feel worth anything. And I'll never get it back. So why am I still here? I have no purpose.
I have no reason.
What good am I?
No damn good.

It's done, I'm done. it's all gone. if there ever really was anything here to begin with. anything there.
And all I can do is blame myself. Every second. It's like my skin is so heavy, and I can't gather the strength to even attempt a half-smile.

The grass is never greener on the other side.

Fuck all of you liars.
I need something... but nobody can give it to me.

Why don't I just go?

Pepsi.

that's all I need. Is Pepsi.
Mmmmmmm.
I'm trying harder than you know. Harder than you think.
But I hate myself for giving up so easily.
I hate myself.
I hate everyone.
It's because of you.

I feel sick now. I'm falling.
I'm sick now.
And it hurts. It's so painful, I'm fighting back the tears now. Fighting.
trying so hard to be so strong when you're so broken is... so hard..
Help me, somebody help me.
I'm bleeding now, and breaking now. My lungs are collapsing, it's harder to breathe.

You should know. I want you to know. It's all because of you.
And I can't do this. I can't be strong. I can't.

it's this season. It hates me.
it is killing me.

So

selfish. You're so selfish.

I thought

That I was doing so much better. That everything was clearing up. But I'm not over the pain. I still hurt, I still cry. This feeling of emptiness won't leave. It won't go away. I hate you, I hate you for everything. Your voice makes me sick. I can't look at you. or any picture of you. Without feeling like I'm being stabbed. This song kills me. Every song on the radio is like the soundtrack to my life. This horror movie. I don't know what I need, or what I want.

It's over now.

I can't even write. Nothing. There is nothing. I can't even breathe.

Don't hold yourself like that

I don't miss you. I don't.
I don't know how I feel. I don't know what to say. I have been blank since last night. Since I saw you. Since I talked to you. Your soft words echo in my head. Again and again. Stop it, stop it please. I don't want to hear it. I don't want to remember it any longer. I don't want to be here. I don't want to feel this way. I don't want the memories. I don't want to know who you are.

I walked to the store earlier. Memories of you. Of me. Memories of us flashed through my mind. Back and forth. Every day with you. I almost tripped. It's hard to breathe. It's hard to think. I stay up at night. Almost until morning. I try to turn it off. All of it. I want to start over. I don't want this. I never wanted this. Sometimes I forget.. about you.. for a minute. And then you're back.

Please leave. Please go. Don't come back. Get out of my mind, please get out of my head. I'm not this strong.
I'm not this way.

I'm a lover, not a fighter. I wanted you to love me back. That's all. I wanted you to love me.