I miss you.

My love, I think of you always.
I am constantly reminded of you.
I love you, I will always love you.
I am sure you've forgotten me. That's okay.
I do not wish to forget you.
You know, I'd give anything to speak to you.
You're the only one who ever understood.
I have so much to say, so much to tell you..
But I know I never will.
I have everything, but I am completely alone.
I am completely empty.
I dream, I long, I cry..
Come back for me. Please, don't leave me.
If you go, I lose everything, my self goes first.
You went. Everything changed.
Where am I? Who am I?
I think I'm trapped, I know I'm lost.
Why did you have to go?
Since you left I've been alone.
When you went, I turned cold.
I've been broken without you.
I would be okay if you were still here, you know.
I wouldn't be dead if you didn't go.
See what's happened to me?
Look at what I've turned into.
And now I'll never be loved.
I'll never be accepted or wanted.
I've been destroyed.
And I'm more ugly than I've ever been.
I'm more nothing than I ever was.
I want to disappear.
I can hardly breathe.
Save me. Help me.
Take back everything you did.
Rewind. and just be there.
All I EVER wanted was you to love me back.
Why couldn't you just love me?
I am ruined.
I cannot love anyone now.
I cannot be anyone now.

I miss you, every day.

This is where I lose.

Am I lost? Have I gone missing?
Has anybody noticed, or is it just me?
How long have I been away? Don't tell me. Though I won't feel anything at all.
I am not afraid to know that I have misplaced my self.
I am completely alone in this place, but you are here.
It's dark, and empty. There's nothing here.
No comfort, nor discomfort.
The only love is of hate, the only pleasure comes from pain.
Existence is not known.
This perished place, defined as death by the unmindful.
They'd say it's corrupt, they'd say that we're lost.
In a sense they'd be right, but not how they think.
We have been tainted, we have been turned.
We have been burnt to living death in this hell.
Judged, abused, and hated by most.
Lied to, used, and mistreated, always.
We've lived, we've learned, and we've died.
Pushed completely beyond our limit.
Gone and not coming back.
No regret, no guilt, no shame.
Pure evil.
About nothing but making you hurt, when you don't deserve it.
I feed off your innocence.
Seductive, misleading, and sick.
I'm a fraud, but you'll fall for it.
You crave me, and I long to corrupt you.
This is something you cannot fathom.
Such darkness you'll never know, but I wouldn't trade it for anything.
The world is mine.

And you don't know who you thought you were.

What are we supposed to do without our minds?
We'll hide away for our souls have been stolen, and now we feel so alone.
Forget all of our needs. You are my one desire.
Touch me. Want me. Love me. Always.
We drown ourselves in feelings of despair, for we have been depraved.
Involuntarily stripped of our sanity, when we were young.
Torn from innocence, we turned our ways.
Our heads abound in vile thoughts...
We began with self destruction.
The mind I swear I once had, I'd admit to be ailing.
It all became a matter of choice, complete with masochism.
We are cold, we are dark, we are sick. But we are passionate, and we are real.
Though my heart may seem dark, it's what I have to offer.
I know it's nothing special, but it will always beat for you.

There's no such thing as a title

Where is the refresh button?
It wouldn't be cheating.. right?
I'm tired, I'm sick.
I'm drained, empty.
I'm weak, useless.
I feel as if I can barely breathe.
I feel as if I have no worth.
Why do you continuously try giving up on me, self?
Why am I here?
No, it's not that I don't want to be, I just don't understand why I am.
I know what I want, I just don't know if I want it.
That's totally ridiculous, I know.
I want to want it all, I want to crave it and need it.
It seems like I don't and can't feel.
I know there are some things I feel.
Like my passionate hate for Crystal.
The feeling grows stronger every day,
each minute that I think about Her.
Though I'm just as evil a monster.
I long for desire.
I hardly even crave something so little as cigarettes anymore.
Where have I gone, and will I ever return?

this feels

Who ever decided you should have to title your blogs?
I don't like that.
I don't have anything to say really.
This feels like an end.
I lay in my bed, I cry, I hurt.
I'm sorry, so deeply sorry.
Everyone deserves a second chance.
You got a thousand, I got none.
I forgave you, I held you, I comforted you.
I whispered its okay, everyone makes mistakes.
I said, we're all human, we all mess up.
Nobody is perfect.
I guess I have to be.
I didn't do enough for you?
I wasn't there?
But I was, I was there.
I never meant to hurt you. I've never lied to you.
I would never hurt you again.
You are my everything, you hurt I hurt.
This can't be the end.
I can't let go of you, I can't lose you.
I need you, I want you.
Just you.
Only you.
My heart is yours.

nothing at all

Desolate... Solitary..
Depraved.
Leave.
Choking out the words.
Masochism.
The view from my head, my warped outlook, something far past pessimistic.
Sometimes irate.
Complete despair.
Tainted thoughts.
A thirst, for dullness.
Disgust with everyone and everything.
Get away from me.
Don't touch me.
Don't talk to me.
Don't fucking look at me.
No tolerance.
Wasted, as well as wasteful.
No words, no memory, no care.
Vague thoughts.
Wants? Wants.
many many wishes.
Irrational?
Most likely.
Shame.
Annoyance.
I am so annoyed.
Runaway, just in my head.
I don't want your help.
Just leave me alone.
Nothing makes sense.
Longing..
For love..
as always..
never goes.
never comes.

Hollow

I need some inspiration..
If I had anything going on.
I hide in the shower as often as I can..
But I can't always be there..
There's nowhere else to go..
and I still can't think..
my head is foggy, my mind is clouded.
every part of me..falling..if not already..apart.
stomach..weak...legs..tired..arms..dead..
my lungs will collapse as soon as I let them..
eyes are heavy.. my head is a dead weight.
as soon as I can let go..
But I can't stop feeling.
I'm almost gone, but always breathing.
Somehow..
falling out, but always here.
my words are vague, but i'm just too sick.
just too cold.

This.

I try my best to concentrate on the sound of the water running as I lay there underneath. The sound of the water hitting more water, skin, the shampoo bottle. I think about nothing but the sounds. Different patterns, different tones. Different sounds. Skin feels tight, stomach feels weak. I try to lay there forever. Always do. Only place I am completely alone. As soon as I leave, I want to go back. Drown myself with the overwhelming feeling of peace I only get in this place. I lay still. Silent. Fan. Water. Heartbeat. Fade out. Now I'm in my head. My mind. Memories, feelings, thoughts. I'm thinking things. Could happen. Did happen. Might happen. Will happen. Won't happen. Don't happen. People, places, objects. Feelings, sounds, pictures. Skin turns wrinkly, it's been two hours. Constantly waiting, but not here. Never here. Nothing bad about this time. Everything good, only now. All emotions, together. Apart. Everywhere. Calm, comfort, trust, because I know you'll always be there. Just an object.

Inferior

There's a quiet awkwardness wherever I go.
It is mine, I know that much.
It is contagious, I also know this.
It comes along with my self loathing, another thing I am aware of.
This night is empty and ill.
My mind is blank, and my stomach is turning.
I rest my lifeless, tired fingers on the keyboard, searching the room for something to trigger a topic.
I have nothing to write.

Again yeah?

"I wish I could write like that..."
Her voice fades as she walks down the hall..

I wonder if she realizes what comes with the being able to write like "that..".
I wonder if she knows the pain that makes me able to write that way, or this way.
If it's worth the self loathing to her. I hope it isn't.
But I know she wonders.. and I know she imagines.. I know she wants to know what it feels like to hurt so badly and be so... bad.
She even says she does, to convince herself it's true.
Everyone has that part of them that wants to rebel, and wants to know what it's like to be different from everybody and wants to know how it feels to fail. How it is to prey on your pain.
Blissful Stillness, is the name of the song.

She is innocent.

Against her will..

Where do I go?

Sleepless nights, cold and shaky hands.
I lay there, I hold my breath. Gather memories and thoughts. They make me sick.
Empty days...Cold and shaky heartbeats.
Pouring rain drowns everything existing around me. I fall underwater, this breath I've been holding for so long starts to leak out of me. My lungs collapse and I sink to the bottom. I'm still here. Sunk to the bottom of this drown dream, breathless and lifeless, I can't fall out of existence. I close my eyes, I can still see. The long nights before are all a blur, I try to remember. I open my eyes, everything starts to fade. I'm flashing through parts of my past that I had forgotten about. I'm feeling ways I have only felt in an innocent state. I try to process and understand how I can feel these things in such a corrupt place. I'm lost in all my confusion. I lay here wasted, my vision is fucked. I flash through past times that are filled with sins, times when I'd give in. Again and again. My strength is gone. I can't move now. I lay here, completely weak, completely gone. My mind, overflowing with memories and thoughts, starts to go black. I only breathe. This is self torture. I don't panic, I don't move. I'm disappearing.

May 25, 2009

This is a different part now.

I was a game that he played for two years, and he beat it.
I wish he would have sooner.
Why did it have to last so long..
Only to make me hate every second with such a stronger passion than before.
Who ever thought it was even possible to hurt so badly.. I sure didn't.

May 22, 2009

I can't let myself.
But I want to.
I can't hold back.


I'm so tired of these swings, flashes.

I have a headache. And it's dark in here.

Self loathing, eating disorders, cigarettes, summertime.

Nobody really cares.
That's why we do it.
We don't really care.

It doesn't matter, nothing at all does.

Don't hold yourself like that, you'll hurt your knees.
12:08 am, on a school night.
Damien Rice.
Going soon.
The computer freezes, not just mine really.

Changes in the weather. Changes in myself.
My thoughts, my feelings, my everything.
What?
There is nothing.

Good night.

Not really.

It's never that way.

May 19th 2009

I want to put all of my thoughts and feelings into a balloon.
And let it float away, somewhere far.



And I'll feel better, much better.

Happy Mothers Day?

No.

I'm so sick, I'm so sick of everything.
I won't try anymore.
I won't care anymore.
I've tried so hard, I've cried so hard.
You don't give a shit about me. You didn't even come after me. You didn't even call me.
You say you miss me, you say you hurt so badly because you failed me, you say you wish it was all better. You don't even try. YOU NEVER tried. You've never tried. and not once have you been here for me.
I didn't blame you for shit.
I wasn't mad at you at all.
I'm trying not to be mad now, but all I ever do is hurt.
All I ever do is hate, everything. And I still won't blame you. But where are you? Where were you?
I forgave you for all of the pain, all of it.
But you keep on going, and I don't even think you realize it.
I wanted to write you something. Or give you something, to show you that you mean the world to me. No matter what. Even if you don't care at all about me.
But my mind is so blank, my body's so weak.
My lungs are collapsing.
My heart is breaking, from the broken pieces to more broken pieces.
And it won't heal, I won't fix. I won't get better, I won't be repaired. It's all too fucked up.
There's one thing that I can promise I won't do like you.
No matter how much I'm like you. Even though I'm a spitting image of you.
I won't ever give up on my daughter.
NO MATTER WHAT. If it's the last thing I ever do, I'll show her that she's everything to me. Because words are worth shit.
You can say all you want, talk all you want.
But at the end of the day you're just like everyone else.
I'm sick of crying till I can't cry anymore.

Glad I spent five minutes in your house today.

I give up on everything, I can't do shit.
I'm not worth the dirt on the ground.
I'm not worth fighting for.


And I'm done.

I want

to go away.
I want to leave, now.
I hate myself.
I know I've said this many times but I've realized I'll always hate myself.
I will never be happy.

I cannot find one thing that makes me happy.
I have nothing, and I am nothing.
I can't write. I can't dance. I can do nothing of any worth.
I am not of any worth.


I want to be alone.
I just want everyone to disappear.
I want to live in a house with my dad.
Where we are best friends. And don't need anything.
I want to smile.
I want to do something.
I want to have something.
I want to not need everything, because I won't have nothing.

But here I am fantasizing again. This world will never be enough.
I will never be enough, for myself, for anyone.
Never good enough.
Everything is so wrong. Everything is so off.
I need to get away, go away.
Please just let me go.

Come away with me, in the night,.

I want to dance.


I feel so empty. And so cold.
I want a purpose. I need a purpose.

I hate Saturdays.

Oh I know that I left you, in places of despair.

God, this is all so stupid.
I can't do this anymore.
I can't flip out anymore.
I need something. I need so many things.

I want you.
you...

I feel sick.
I ate too much candy.

I need someone who doesn't smoke weed. Or do any drugs.
I need truth, now. I need honesty.

I'll never find this. I'll never get this.
I'm sick of myself.

I might go for a walk.
it's dark and cold.
And I need my best friend...

She doesn't want to be here for me..

Kings and Queens know not about love...

I used to want to fast forward my life up to four years from now.. because I thought at that time in my life I'd be happy. Now I don't want to be here. or there. or anywhere.


I... feel so...
There's no way to describe it. Where is my mama?
I want her. right now.
I want to shave my hair off, my eyebrows, and my face.
I'm so sick of everything.
My face changes in the summer.. it looks even more disgusting.
Along with my body.
I am nothing.

I want a mask.

I want my life to be a movie.
I want to have long hair.
I want to.... not be this any longer.

Sing me Spanish lullaby's...

I don't want to dance now.

April snow, brings.... ?

I don't want to post another 'sad' 'dark' poem thing about how much pain I'm in...
But I'm finding things to be more and more unfair every day.
I'm hurting more than I ever have.
And I'm running out of reasons to wake up each morning.
I'm running out of excuses for breathing.
What can I tell myself now? He's gone. What do I say?
He's not coming back...

There's a picture of her..
Her hair is blond of course.
And she's got big teeth.... of course..

I know how he likes them. I know better than anyone ever will. I tried so hard..
He never wanted me. He never will.

Each day I changed myself to try to be what he wanted.
Never good enough.
No where near there..

I'm nothing now, I'll be nothing forever. I'm completely wasted, as is my life. My future is also wasted. My time. All of it. And this pain is consuming every inch of me.
I want to fuck up. It's all destroyed anyway. It's all over now, so what's the point? I want to bleed. I want to weigh 70 lbs. I want to sleep around and get AIDS and die.
I want to die.

I DON'T WANT TO DO THIS ANYMORE.
I DON'T WANT TO BE THIS PERSON ANYMORE.
Why can't I be someone else? Why?
I lost the only thing that ever made me feel worth anything. And I'll never get it back. So why am I still here? I have no purpose.
I have no reason.
What good am I?
No damn good.

It's done, I'm done. it's all gone. if there ever really was anything here to begin with. anything there.
And all I can do is blame myself. Every second. It's like my skin is so heavy, and I can't gather the strength to even attempt a half-smile.

The grass is never greener on the other side.

Fuck all of you liars.
I need something... but nobody can give it to me.

Why don't I just go?